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Fic: "Pretty Girl" 8/? [Feb. 18th, 2011|02:43 am]
Transgender Fiction

tg_fiction

[joyful]
[mood |restlessrestless]
[music |Rosie Thomas - Kite Song]

Title: Pretty Girl
Author: Joyful
Disclaimer: Glee doesn't belong to me and I make no money from this.
Summary: Kurt and Finn are becoming closer as step-brothers, and Kurt figured out Finn's darkest secret—the one Finn can't even quite put into words—Finn's transgender, MTF.
Rating: R
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine, Finn/Rachel, Finn/Puck
Spoilers: Up to “A Very Glee Christmas,” but AU after.
Notes: Based on this prompt: http://community.livejournal.com/glee_angst_meme/4263.html?thread=7393191#t7393191
For theauthor2010 and nonexistantpup
All previous parts can be found on AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/152362/chapters/218521





Thanks to tinak47 for Vanessa:


Notes: I swear, eventually this story will contain sexual content that doesn't make people cry. Be patient with me? There is a very frank masturbation scene in this chapter, but I didn't think it was graphic enough to raise the rating yet.
And the book Burt gives Mercedes is a real book. It's the top result on Amazon when you search for “transgender.”
The song Puck sings is called “Emotionless” by Good Charlotte. Because, you know, Vanessa can't keep all the angst to herself. ;-)

*****
Chapter 8
*****

Vanessa wakes up early Friday morning. She takes a quick shower and then goes back into her room. She looks at the mirror for a minute. She's tall enough that when she stands close to the mirror, her head gets cut off, and it's just a body underneath. Like this, the body isn't too bad. She's just looking at some man's body. Distanced like this, she can think about it rationally., without wanting to cry or scream. It's a nice body. In good shape, not too much pudge. She would want to be held by a body like that. Have strong, muscled arms wrap around her, tuck her head under the chin of a man taller than her. That would be a nice body to cuddle against. But it wasn't her body. She was thinking too much. In a few more months, once she was eighteen, her doctor would sign off on HRT, and she'd start her transition. She was already saving money, not for college, but for her sex-change. It would be expensive, and it would probably be years before she could afford it. But someday her body would look right.

The body in the mirror looks similar enough in shape to Puck's body that she's able to pretend it's Puck she's looking at. Puck who is an asshole and a jerk sometimes, but is still sweet and caring, and would go to the mat for her in a heartbeat. She wraps her arms around herself and pretends for a moment that Puck is holding her. Puck with his strong jaw and muscled arms. His perfect abs. She's about to start getting dressed when she looks down and notices she has an erection.

“Fuck.” The expletive slips from her lips. She knows she'll never be able to get the gaff on until it's gone, and she doesn't have the time to wait for it to go away on it's own. She'll have to take care of it the usual way. But not here, not like this in her room that is so feminine now, with the lights on. She double checks to see that the bedroom door is locked, and then grabs some tissues and climbs into her closet,pulling the closet door shut and sitting down on the floor between the wall and the hamper. It's a decent sized closet. Not huge like Kurt's but there's more than enough room for her. She closes her eyes and takes a moment to feel safe in the dark. Nobody can see her here, looking like a freak. A girl with a penis. A rather large and erect penis.

She closes her eyes and wraps her hands around it. For a terrifying second she remembers Karofsky's hands on her over her underwear, but she pushes that aside as fast as she can. The last thing she needs, if she wants this over quickly, is to get herself worked up about that asshole. She thinks about Puck, and how handsome he is. She tries not to think too closely about what she's doing, but just pay attention to how good it feels physically. She tries to pretend she's soft and feminine like Rachel, that Puck is holding her, and he's taller than her. She pretends she has to look up to kiss him. She rubs herself and pretends it's a clitoris she's touching and not a penis. She thinks about Puck once more, and when she finished, she wipes herself clean, and stays in the dark for a few more minutes. Eventually she takes a deep breath and leaves her closet to get dressed.

Once she gets herself situated, and has her bra and panties on, she picks out her clothes. She picks out a black circle skirt that goes a few inches below the knee and has a nice amount of twirl to it, and a purple top. The top has a collar that goes around her throat, but is sleeveless, so it's a good thing she shaved her armpits. She likes it because it covers her adam's apple, but is still pretty and feminine. She picks out a wig from her slowly expanding collection. It's medium brown, shoulder-length and has nice bangs which frame her face and make her face look softer. She's recently discovered that if you can afford it, there's plastic surgery you can have that makes your face more feminine. It's painful and incredibly expensive, but she thinks to herself, someday. In the meantime she'll have to settle for make-up and she puts some on. She's getting better at doing this quickly, and also at not stabbing herself in the eye.

When she's dressed, she grabs a soft gray and purple cardigan and her backpack before going downstairs for breakfast. Burt and Carol are already up, Burt reading the paper and Carol making breakfast. Carol sees her walk into the kitchen and gives her that look. That sad look she sometimes gives her when she looks at Vanessa and sees Finn, and looks disappointed. Vanessa hates that look. In the corner of her mind she remembers the suggestion her therapist made about holding a funeral for Finn. She'll talk to Kurt about it, maybe it will help her mom deal a little better with her transition. Give her closure.

“Morning, Sweetie. Breakfast?” Carol asks.

“I'll have a cheese omelet if you're making them,” Vanessa requests, and Carol nods.

“Are you sure you're ready to go to school like that?” Carol said. “You said you wanted to wait.”

“I know I did. But I can't pretend to be Finn anymore. It's too exhausting. You're coming in to talk to Figgins, right?” Vanessa asks, and she sees that look on her mom's face again. She knows that her mom is working so hard at accepting a transgendered daughter, but she also knows it's hard for Carol to let go of her son. The son she had so many hopes and dreams for. The son who reminded her of her first husband.

While she waits for her breakfast, she pulls out her phone and texts Puck, trying not to blush as she thinks about Puck. She tries to push her crush on Puck out of her mind. He's her best friend, and besides, she's dating Rachel. She has a thought she's had before, that it really isn't fair of her to stay with Rachel when she likes Puck so much, but she's not sure she's ready to let go of Rachel yet. Rachel who loved her when she was Finn and continues to love her as Vanessa.

Will u walk into school with me today? I'm a little nervous.--V

Of course. Something bugging u?--P

Wearing a skirt. Worried bout bullies.--V

No problem babe—P

Vanessa tries to pretend her heart didn't pound a little harder when Puck called her Babe. He calls all the girls babe. Of course, it's nice that he doesn't even hesitate to think of her as a girl. She looks up from her phone as Kurt walks into the kitchen. He's wearing his Cheerios uniform, and she's glad he had at least a couple of days to wear whatever he wanted after leaving Dalton. She reminds herself that summer vacation is coming fast, and both she and Kurt can wear whatever they want all summer long.

“I love that top, Nessa,” Kurt says, “And it goes really well with that cardigan. You look adorable today.”

“Thanks,” Vanessa says. “You do rock the Cheerios uniform. I know you miss dressing like yourself.”

“It's okay,” Kurt says, “I get respect at McKinley when I wear this—at least some—and I get to wear whatever I want on weekends.”

“We definitely have a couple of fashion plates, Carol,” Burt observes setting his newspaper down. “Vanessa, our meeting with the principal is at ten. Rachel's father, Thomas—the one who's a lawyer—is joining us in case we need to threaten the school.”

“Okay,” Vanessa says. She looks at Kurt. “Puck's going to meet me in the parking lot to walk in with me, in case anyone gets in my face.”

“Cool. Blaine's going to meet me in the parking lot too,” Kurt gets that dopey look on his face whenever he talks about Blaine.

Vanessa and Kurt eat their breakfast. Well, Vanessa eats breakfast. Kurt drinks coffee and nibbles on a granola bar. Vanessa wonders if he's still following that ridiculous diet plan that the Vocal Adrenaline coach gave them sophomore year. They finish breakfast then head out to the Navigator to drive to school. Although Vanessa has her own vehicle, it's better for them to carpool, so they can save gas money. They both have Glee after school, and Kurt has Cheerios, so Vanessa will either get a ride home with a friend or work on homework while Kurt's at practice.

“Mom's having trouble letting go of Finn,” Vanessa says as they drive to school.

“Yeah. She'll get over it eventually,” Kurt says.

“I know. My therapist suggested something that might help, and I was wondering if you'd help me with it.”

“What?” Kurt asks, curious.

“She says we should have a funeral for Finn. Burn some pictures or some of Finn's clothes. Say goodbye to Finn. She says doing something like that can help Mom get closure,” Vanessa said.

“That sounds like a pretty good idea,” Kurt agrees. “We could even invite some of the glee club, if you wanted.”

“Maybe,” Vanessa says. “I guess it depends on how practice goes today.”

“Okay,” Kurt says, and they pull into the school parking lot. Puck and Blaine are waiting there by Blaine's car, talking about something. In the mostly empty parking lot, Blaine grabs Kurt by the hand and pulls him close, kissing him hard. Kurt kissed Blaine back eagerly. Blaine was usually very reserved about PDA, preferring to keep anything other than hand-holding or quick pecks for behind closed doors.

“Why, Mr. Anderson,” Kurt looks well-kissed when they break apart. “That is definitely a nice way to say 'Good morning'.”

“I thought so,” Blaine agrees.

“So what were you two talking about before we got here?” Kurt asks.

“Mr. Puckerman was questioning the intensity of our sex life,” Blaine says. Puck looks on in disbelief, like he can't believe that Blaine is going to tell Kurt what he said.

“Really, now?” Kurt asks.

“Yes. It seems that Mr. Puckerman here is under the belief that you are—how did he put it? Oh yes—'a frigid bitch'.”

“Noah Puckerman,” Kurt says, pretending to look scandalized. “I take offense to that. Bitch, yes. Frigid, no.”

Puck looks at the two boys, their fingers interlaced, laughs, and then smirks, but says nothing. Kurt turns back to face Blaine.

“So, wanna go skip homeroom and go make out in the backseat of my Navigator?” Kurt asks Blaine.'

“Tempting. But it's only my third day. Best not get in trouble yet,” Blaine says.

“Nessa, you look hot,” Puck says, greeting Vanessa who looks as amused by the exchanges between Kurt and Blaine as Puck does.

“Thanks,” Vanessa blushes. “I'm a little nervous.”

“Don't worry about it. Evans and I figured out a schedule to make sure that as least one of us is with you all day. And we're not afraid to crack some skulls to keep you safe,” says. He offers Vanessa his arm. “Can I escort you to class?”

“Okay,” Vanessa says, and hesitantly puts her arm through his. Puck walks her straight to homeroom, and since her last name starts with Hu, she's in the same homeroom as Kurt. Kurt walks in before Vanessa. Vanessa holds her head up high and walks in behind Kurt.

“Mr. Hudson, what on earth are you wearing?” The home room monitor, Mr. Silver, asks. “Is this another glee club stunt?”

“No sir,” Vanessa says softly. “It's Miss Hudson. I'm transgender, and I will be attending school as a girl from now on.” She turns away from the flabbergasted teacher and takes her seat next to Kurt. She knows that all eyes are on her, and will be on her for the rest of the day. She can do this. Here, dressed as herself, looking like a girl, she can do this. She has about two hours before her mom and Burt and Mr. Berry are going to come and talk to Figgins. With her friends by her side, she'll make it through the day.

*****

Honestly, Vanessa doesn't pay too much attention during the meeting with Principal Figgins. Her parents do a lot of talking, and shouting, and Mr. Berry uses a lot of big words that Vanessa doesn't entirely understand, although she gets the gist of it. They were telling Figgins that he had to convince the teachers to call her Vanessa, and treat her like a girl, or else there was going to be some huge scandal in the papers that talked about how prejudiced the administration of McKinley was. And also, they'd sue the school for discrimination.

“It's standard protocol to address students only by the name on their birth certificates,” Figgins protests.

“Bullshit,” Burt says. “There's not a person in this school who calls Noah Puckerman by his given name. I've heard teachers and coaches call him Puck. And Michael Chang is called 'Mike', and nobody calls Becky Jackson 'Rebecca.' It's already established for teachers to call students by nicknames. We want you to call our child Vanessa.”

“You don't have a say in Mr. Hudson's educations as you are not his legal guardian,” Figgins insists.

“Actually, I legally adopted Finn three weeks after the wedding. Carol legally adopted Kurt as well. Vanessa's name is still Finn Hudson, for the time being. But there is no reason why you can't ask the teachers to call her Vanessa in class. No legal reason. We're asking you to please inform your teachers that our child would like to be addressed as Vanessa in class. And that she be allowed to take gym with the girls, and use the girls' locker room.” Burt insists.

“The name I can do,” Figgins says “But I cannot allow Finn to change in the girls locker room or take gym with the girls! He is still physically a boy!”

“It's okay, Dad. I can stay in my gym class. Sam and Puck are in it with me,” Vanessa says.

“Maybe Vanessa can change in nurse's office?” Carol suggests

“I suppose,” Figgins says.

The door swings open and Sue storms in. She looks at Vanessa and smiles.

“Red Sonja, how goes the negotiations?”

“Huh?” Vanessa asks.

“Is Figgins here cooperating with your new gender-identity?” Sue asked.

“Not entirely,” Vanessa says honestly. “He agreed to ask the teachers to call me Vanessa, but he won't let me take girls' gym or use the girls' locker room.”

“The Cheerios have their own locker room. You can use ours,” Sue says.

“But I'm not on the Cheerios,” Vanessa says.

“You are now,” Sue answers. “You're the new alternate, and Becky's back-up. She's my assistant, you're her assistant. You can help her get things she can't reach.”

“Well, that settles it then,” Burt says. “Vanessa can use the Cheerios locker room, but will remain in the boys gym class.”

“Thanks, Coach Sylvester,” Vanessa smiles. “Do I have to wear a Cheerios uniform to school every day?”

“Not as an alternate,” Sue says. “Get back to class. I want to talk to your parents for a few minutes, then Principal Figgins and I are going to have a little chat.”

“Okay,” Vanessa says, and she leaves the Principal's office. She actually has a free period now, so she decides to go kill time in the choir room. It's in the middle of a class period right now, so there's nobody in the hall. She walks confidently to the choir room and slips inside, but she's not expecting Artie to be there working out chords on guitar. She's halfway to the drum kit when he looks up.

“Hi,” Vanessa says.

“Hi,” Artie says. He sets the guitar down and looks up at her. “I don't get it, I'm sorry.”

“I'm a girl. My body is male, for now, but my brain is female. I feel like girl inside,” Vanessa explains simply.

“I don't get why anyone, anyone lucky enough to be a guy, especially a guy as awesome and perfect as you, would want to be a girl,” Artie says.

“I've always wanted to be a girl. My whole life,” Vanessa answers, but Artie doesn't look appeased. He looks agitated.

“Don't get me wrong, Girls are great to look at, or make out with, and they're great for sex, but I don't know why you'd want to be one. Women are dangerous. Women ruin everything in the end. They're selfish and greedy and demanding and controlling and all they do is take, take, take. They take everything from you. All you are. Until you are nothing. Until you have nothing left,” Artie had started out calmly, but by the end of his rant he's yelling, and it looks like there's tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. He puts his hands on his wheels, spins around, and rolls out the door before she can say anything.

Suddenly, Vanessa gets it. She understands what Tina had meant when she had said Artie has issues with women. She understands, all at once, that Artie's hesitancy to her new identity has absolutely nothing to do with homophobia or transphobia. It's misogyny, pure and simple. Only not simple, because Vanessa gets it. For whatever reason, Artie blames women—all women—for his paralysis. And Vanessa's not sure she can compete with that. But at least if he's going to hate her, she knows why.

****

The last person Mercedes Jones expects to come up to talk to her in the hallway is Burt Hummel, but she turns away from her locker with her history books and there he is.

“Mr. Hummel,” she says, surprised.

“Mercedes,” he nods to her. “My kids tell me you've said some pretty hurtful things the last couple of days.”

She feels like squirming under his 'stern dad' gaze. But she can't deny. “I never wanted to hurt anyone, I promise,” she says.

“I know. But the thing is, thinking that somebody is evil or wrong, those kind of thoughts are dangerous, because they can't help but hurt people. Mercedes, I've never taken the time to thank you for being there for Kurt the last couple of years,” Burt says.

“Hmm?”

“I ain't stupid. I know that at the beginning of the year Kurt didn't have any friend except you and Abrams and the quiet girl with the weird hair. And I think that if you hadn't been there for him, he may have done something stupid, and I might not have a son at all. So thank you for keeping him alive, kid. But Kurt's a lot stronger now. He doesn't need you to give him a reason to live anymore, he has lots of friends now. So, I'm gonna warn you, Mercedes, if you don't get your head out of your butt, and realize how much you need Kurt—and Vanessa—fast, you're going to wake up someday soon and find out he doesn't need you anymore,” Burt levels his eyes at her and gave her a sympathetic smile, “I am absolutely not trying to be mean or cruel or nothing, but Kurt and Vanessa are moving forward, and you're stuck in place.” He hands her a book. “Here. Read this book. And think hard about what I've said. Right now, you still have a chance to fix your friendship with my kids, but you have to act fast.” Burt nods to her, turned and walked out of the school.

Mercedes looks down at the book in her hands Transgender Explained for Those Who are Not, by Joanne Herman. She has a free period after lunch. Maybe she'll thumb through it.

******

Glee club is mostly uneventful, at least as far as Vanessa is concerned. Quinn, Mercedes and Mike don't really acknowledge Vanessa, but nobody says anything cruel. Tina, Rachel and Puck sing their 'secret,' song. Puck drawing most of the attention to himself when he grabs his guitar and starts singing a song about his father.

Hey dad
I’m writing to you
Not to tell you
That I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart

Are you happy out there
In this great wide world?
Do you think about your son,
Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we’re alright?
But we’re alright
We’re alright.

It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years
Learning how to survive
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive.

The days I spent
So cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
The scars run deep inside
This tattooed body
There’s things I’ll take
To my grave
But I’m ok
I’m ok .

It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
And I’m still alive.

Sometimes I forget
Yeah, and this time
I’ll admit that I miss you
Said I miss you

It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive .

And sometimes I forget
This time I’ll admit
That I miss you
I miss you
Hey dad.


Puck's voice breaks on the last line, and he's stopped strumming the guitar. He barely has the time to set the guitar down before he's engulfed in hugs as Tina, Brittany, Rachel and Lauren all flock to hug him. Vanessa waits until the others have stopped hugging Puck to wriggle in there herself, wrapping her arms around her best friend. Puck doesn't even hesitate to move into the hug. He sets his head on Vanessa's shoulder and lets her hold him for a few minutes. He hides his face in her long brown hair, while he waits for the tears to disappear. When they stop hugging, his face has the usual Puckerman smirk on it, as the mask slides back into place. They've used up glee practice and it's time for Kurt and the girls to go to Cheerios practice. Vanessa plans on sitting on a bench and watching, so Puck and Blaine go with her. Rachel has to go home because it's almost Friday evening and her father is more strict about the Sabbath than Puck's mom is.
.
On their way out of the choir room, Mr. Schue stops Vanessa with a hand on her shoulder.

“Fi—Vanessa. I'm sorry I haven't reacted in the best possible way. But I'm going to try an understand, okay?”

“Okay, Mr. Schue,” Vanessa said, smiling. “I'm glad. You're, like, one of the biggest reasons I didn't kill myself last year, and it would completely suck if you weren't my friend anymore.” She nods at Mr. Schue before following Puck and Blaine out to the bleachers, not looking back to see the stunned look on her teacher's face.

*****

“I do not currently plan on unseating you from power,” Kurt says as he comes up behind Quinn.

“Good,” Quinn says. “You can't. I can get Sue support from the Right-Wing Christian groups, and you can't.”

“I can get Sue support from the civil rights groups, PFFLAG, GLAAD, and several other gay-rights organizations, and you can't,” Kurt counters. “I also have a vocal range more than double yours, and can stay on-pitch while doing a backflip. This is why she wants me on the squad. But I'm not your biggest threat, Quinn.”

“Oh no?” Quinn asks. “Who is then?”

“You are. You are so caught up in following the rules your father set for you that you don't realize that you're isolating your boyfriend and your friends. I totally get that you might be threatened or even embarrassed that your ex-boyfriend is in the process of becoming your ex-girlfriend, but that doesn't give you an excuse to be a bitch about it. Because if you say too many homophobic or transphobic things, you're going to lose more than me and Vanessa as friends. You need to remember that your boyfriend—who loves you—has two amazing, lesbian moms, and won't take too them being insulted.”

“I'd never say anything bad about Sam's moms. They're really nice,” Quinn says.

“Think about the things you used to say about Rachel and her dads. Some of the jokes you've cracked about me. The slur about Vanessa not being able to be a real man. Every time you say something mean about somebody who's LGBTQ, you're insulting all of us. Including your boyfriend and his moms.”

Quinn's eyes widen. “I...I still think it's weird. But I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I'm not going to apologize for being a bitch, not really, because you know what a requirement it is to make it in this school.”

“I know. And I understand. But you might be the only person who can get Mercedes to see reason, since I'm apparently too gay to be a good person,” Kurt says, and the hurt in his voice is evident, though he tries to squash it quickly.

Quinn nods. She and Mercedes became close during the last month of her pregnancy. If she can wrap her head around it all, she might be able to get Mercedes to at least talk to Kurt and Finn.

“Do me a favor, Quinn. Look over there,” Kurt points to where Vanessa is sitting with Puck and Blaine, laughing about something, with a huge smile on her face.

Quinn takes in the scene, and can't help but smile herself.

“Now tell me, when is the last time you can remember Finn looking so happy and so free?” Kurt asks gently.

“I, I don't think he's ever looked so happy before,” Quinn admits.

“Look up transgender on wikipedia when you get home. Read the whole article, then feel free to call us, or Sam. I know it weirds you, but Vanessa is so much happier as a girl than Finn ever was as a boy.”

“Okay,” Quinn agrees. “Anyway, lets start running before Coach guts us.”

“Agreed,” Kurt says.

*End 8*
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